i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
