I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
