This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
