I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Randomize
