I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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