Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
