He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
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