Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
