tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I dont need to watch it. And stop comparing your life to Entourage.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
