i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
