Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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