Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
