I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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