alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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