So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
