Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
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