You're my little dorito
Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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