I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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