I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
I need to align my fucking chakras
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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