He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Randomize
