Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
