I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Randomize
