dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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