Who wears a wallet chain?!
My underwear smells like fireworks.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
Brb crying the tears of my youth
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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