Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
