Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Randomize
