I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Randomize
