one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
