I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
