I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
