More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
And then my night got REAL pukey
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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