I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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