Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
