her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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