You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Randomize
