I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
