I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
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