she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
