You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
