i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
