note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
