I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Randomize
