I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
BRING THE BAGELS
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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