I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Randomize
