I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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