The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Can you bring me the toilet please
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
