So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
he came faster then a bring it on movie goes to dvd
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Randomize
