I heard we made out
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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