I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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