i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Randomize
