If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
