i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
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