he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
