I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
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Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
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Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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