YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
