I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Randomize
