Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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